The Song of the Dead
by mybeardequalsnachos
Summary: Will Graham has never been one for interacting with others. He prefers solitude and the company of his own dogs. But when Hannibal invites him over for dinner, Will is as reluctant to accept as he is to decline. As the night progresses, Will's about to discover things about himself he wished he'd kept locked away within the dark recesses of his mind.


Will Graham knocked on Hannibal's door, his breath coming out in laboured strains. He was nervous. Hannibal had invited him over for dinner for no apparent reason, causing Will to become increasingly suspicious. However, he didn't want to deny his new friend some company, and if he was being completely honest, he needed the company himself. Dogs were great, but sometimes he needed human contact. "Come in, William," Hannibal said pleasantly as he stepped aside. Will gave a quick smile and entered the house. He hoped his smile hadn't resembled the grimace he assumed it would. "So…what's for dinner tonight?" Will asked, his palms sweating as he felt Hannibal's hot breath on his neck. "YOU MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hannibal shouted and ate Will's brain. It was tasty.

It wasn't as delicious as he first anticipated. He spat out Will's brain and placed it back into his head. He stitched up his head again and Will returned back to life, all of a sudden his head started glittering. Yes. Will Graham was now a vampire. Well half. Due to the fact that Hannibal carved his head open with a knife before biting into his brain meant that only Will's brain was turned in to a vampire. The rest will eventually evolve after the brain has resettled to its original position. His head was shining ever so brightly as if he was competing with a werewolf for a girl.

The glow was mistaken by Wizards and Witches world-wide for the tri-wizards cup. Within hours of this act of cannibalism, hundreds of witches and wizards came flying around the house on their Nimbus 2001's that they had received from Lucius Malfoy earlier that year. They had never seen a glow that bright-not even a patronus charm. One broomstick stopped in front of the window and the wizard riding it jumped through the window towards the bloody-mouthed Hannibal. The wizard transfigured into a dog during its flight and was heading straight for Hannibal. He caught it before it could bite and sunk his teeth into its fur. It was disgusting! He commanded it to transfigure back in to a human. It did so, and then Hannibal realised it was Sirius Black, who happened to be 2nd cousins twice removed of Will Graham. Since he was now human again, Hannibal once again sunk his teeth into his neck. Sirius laughed because since he had already been killed once before, he was now a zombie and could not be killed.

Suddenly, Sirius Black got knocked to the ground by an arrow through his chest. Hannibal looked up, shocked, only to come face to face with Katniss Everdeen. She was pointing her bow at Will and shouting about volunteering. As Hannibal watched, Katniss's dress caught on fire and she grew wings. Hannibal wondered if she would taste like chicken. Katniss and 23 other teenagers then began trying to kill each other in Hannibal's house. A blonde dude with a loaf of bread began painting himself to camouflage with Will Graham and lay on top of him. Hannibal decided to eat the blonde guy now that he looked like Will. All of a sudden, people kissed their hands and held up three fingers in the air. Hannibal got angry because he thought they were indirectly flipping him off. Katniss caught on fire again.

A dark figure appeared behind Katniss. "You're on fire," he whispered mysteriously into her ear. "How did I know, you ask? My first clue came from your dress, made from the fabrics native to a small island behind Malaysia, the place that invented fire. My second clue came from your expression, one of excruciating pain, almost as if you were on fire. Also you are on fire. Cheek bones. Collar up, Watson. Suck on these Dragon balls, hobbit thief. Sherlock out."

Then Jedi master Yoda walked in through the door with Indiana Jones and Scooby Doo by his sides. Scooby was useless as he ran straight for the kitchen where he met up with Shaggy in the walk-in pantry. Indiana was pre-occupied with the women he was pulling out of his man purse. "It's a satchel," he screams to nobody, before raising his whip and striking. He misses the empty space and hits himself before he loses balance, trips and falls out the window. The drop, conveniently, leads to the bottom of Mount Doom in Mordor. "But wait, there's More-dor," Indiana screams to himself before bursting into laughter and plunging to his death. From the Eye of Sauron, Gandalf the White watches on curiously, before letting go of a butterfly and riding an eagle towards Hannibal's house. On his way, he stops over at the game show, 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Hot seat.' He camouflages himself and the eagle somewhere in the 4th row of the audience. The contestant at the time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, didn't know the answer to the question which happened to be about The Team Jacob verse Team Edward debate. She elects to pass the question before Gandalf rises out of his hiding spot, with his staff in his hands, smashes it into the ground and screams, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Suddenly there are loud screams from Hannibal's pantry. "My food is like talking maaaan," Shaggy screamed.  
"Rike Rotally Raggy."  
"That's it, no more hallucinogens for you or me little man." They looked back down at the food they had been feasting on from Hannibal's pantry. "Could you please refrain from eating the rest of my brain?" Will Graham's severed head utters nonchalantly. Shaggy and Scooby looked towards him and screamed once they saw how sparkly he was. Scooby jumped into Shaggy's arms and they ran away. What losers, lol.

Little did they know, had they lowered their head slightly more, they would have seen Lord Farquard, hiding away in the shadows, like the midget that he is. Lord Farquard breathed a sigh of relief, as they passed, very nearly brushing his shoulder with their legs as they did. "That was pretty close-quard," he screamed to himself, before bursting into laughter and plunging to his death. "Oh the hard life of a midget," the chief Oompa Loompa said sorrowfully, having seen Lord Farquard attempt to climb a stool, to horrible effect, before breaking into song about a lamppost with his two cousins.

_"Oompa Loompa doopity damp post_

_This is a song all about a lamp post._

_Oompa loompa doopity duzzins,_

_I wrote this song getting hypothetically drunk with my cousins, we're not actually drunk, but it feels like we are because we are on a natural high. You know what I'm talking about? Buzzins._

_There once was a famous lamp post_

_It was tall and bright and grey_

_I started to stroke the lamp post_

_But it felt kind of gay._

_Then I came out of the closet,_

_With snow in my clothes and hair._

_I remember the faun, it was Tumnus by name._

_And yes his bed we did share._

_And then Simba came to speak to me,_

_But it turned out to be Aslan instead._

_So I said 'I'm supposed to be singing about a lamppost'_

_And yeah._

_We've gone on a long journey,_

_Far from where we whence doth come._

_We come from a land downunder,_

_But why is the rum gone?"_

Will woke up, it was all a dream. "Well that seems like a bit of a cop out for the readers," he says, looking around at his dimly lit room. "After all that excitement my whole world seems pretty… Grey-am, "he screamed to himself before bursting into laughter and began the imminent plunge into the dark abyss. Then actual-Katniss set him on fire. Suddenly, actual-spiderman dived into the dark abyss, snatching him before the fiery pits of actual-Mordor engulfed the flame filled man with more flames. "Thank you, Spiderman," Will whispered sensually, "but who are you?"

"You know who I am."

"My friendly neighbourhood spiderman?"

He pulled off his mask.

"Actual-Hannibal? After all this time?"

"Always."

"Lol, Harry Potter reference."

Will Graham forever had that bloody song stuck in his head.

The End.


End file.
